Thursday, May 30, 2013

Working on my Fitness - Sucks

I don't know how much I have gone into this, but weight has been an issue for me as long as I can remember.  When I was little, little, I was a chubby kid.  Cue big chubby cheeks and Michelin Man legs.  It was adorable then, but I stayed this way until about 3rd grade.  Once third grade hit, I was in full tomboy mode.  I became skinny as a rail because I was just so darn active, always playing neighborhood basketball, riding my bike everywhere, etc.  It was great.  I never had to worry about weight.  This even carried through Junior High.  Only somewhere around 8th grade, I became more girly, and therefore much more self-conscious.

I stayed pretty active in high school.  I weighed anywhere from 115-120 pounds.  Even then, I thought I was "the fat girl."  I constantly grabbed my stomach "fat" and refused to wear a bikini in front of my friends.  (What I wouldn't give to have that body now).  My weight and self-esteem ebbed and flowed throughout my four years of high school, and by the end of my senior year, I felt pretty "ok" with myself.  I was about 115 lbs, finally got comfortable with doing something worthwhile with my hair, and even lipstick every now and then.  This was a big deal to the tomboy in me!  I never had a shortage of guys interested in me, although I always felt like I was the girl that the other guys didn't want, so whoever talked to me got "stuck" with me.  I don't know where this lack of self-esteem came from, but oh, buddy.  It was there.

See that confidence?  Where did it go?

In college, I definitely kept going back and forth with my weight.  I was ranging from 115lbs - 130lbs.  Whenever I saw that 130 something number, I would crazy yo-yo diet.  Starve myself, take weight loss pills that made me crazy, etc.  I got into a serious relationship, put on tons of weight while with him, and went on another crazy diet to lose the weight when we broke up.  See the cycle here?

College is O-V-E-R.  Weight battle still on-going.
Right around 23 - 24 years old, I realized that the yo-yo dieting wasn't working anymore.  I had to incorporate more fitness into my routine.  Of course, I made this realization way later than I should have.  I went into a pretty big slump (not depressed, just...a slump) and skyrocketed to my highest weight ever.  I weighed in at 167 pounds, which is definitely not healthy on my 5'4" frame.  I had to do something.  I ate better, exercised more, and dropped the weight.  My body of course had changed (hello boobs and hips) and I was down to a comfortable 135lb weight.  I knew I would never be as thin as I was, but this was a comfortable weight for me.  I could still eat some of the things I loved, but just balanced it with workouts.  I was ok with not having a flat stomach.  I was finally confident.

Wedding day.  Not the size I wanted to be.
This is where I was at when I met Joel.  I weighed about 140lbs when we were married.  That wasn't ideal, but it was "ok."  Somewhere along the way I forgot the fitness part of my routine, as well as that "sensible" eating part.  When Joel and I had been married almost 2 years and he deployed, I weighed in at about 150lbs.  It was bad.  This is not healthy.  I was not healthy.  Joel was gone for six months, and when he came home, I was back down to 138.  Once again, I felt good about myself and how fit I felt.  I promised to keep going.  But I didn't.
Me at my heaviest :(
I am almost 30 years old (eek!), but I finally realize that I have a problem.  I did not grow up in a family that valued physical health/fitness.  We ate everything a good family did: fried this and buttery that.  I didn't learn from my family good things like portion control, balance, and making fitness a priority.  I was just such an active kid naturally that I never had to put any real effort into it.  But, all that aside, I need to change.  I have an unhealthy obsession with food, and it's hard for me to say no when offered something.  So many important family and life events have revolved around food.  I really need to watch what I'm putting into my body, and stop yo-yo dieting: I need to eat in a way that is sustainable.  And frankly, I need to get off my my lazy butt and make fitness a priority.  No excuses!

Feeling confident and fit.

I heard someone say once that eating right was 70% of the battle and working out was 30%.  Whether true or not, I need to d something different.  Last week I weighed in at 155lbs.  That is 17lbs more than I weighed last August.  I know it's not going to be easy, but I need to make a lifestyle change.  I need to sustain this way of life, because I know things are only going to get harder as I get older.  I started back up the Couch to 5K program, and am on week two this week.  It's a small step, but I really do miss that feeling after completing a 5K.  I am also going to try and go on bike rides with Joel, and try to make more of our date nights activity orientated.  I know I said it before, but I really want to make myself accountable.  Even Joel doesn't know my real weight (although he may now...hi, honey!).  Wish me luck.  I have never made myself so vulnerable when talking about my weight.

Me, April 2013.  Just turned 29.


Molly Danger said...

I'm right there with you. Start week 2 tomorrow.. Or maybe week 1 again, lol. We will see how it goes.

Katiellirb said...

I love that you have decided to take control instead of just letting your weight take control. I know you can lose the pounds and replace it with muscle. But of course, you're beautiful at any weight! :)

Jen said...

You can do this! :) You will do amazing things. :)

LaynahRose said...

Me too :/ I never exercise but I was recently told that I have a weak heart and NEED to start doing cardio. It's extremely hard to change your habits! Good luck lady.

Ashley R said...

For the record I think you look beautiful, but it is all about how you *feel* and being healthy. :) Best of luck!

lesley: the dream tree said...

i know exactly how you feel. i just joined club fitness in o'fallon and have only been once. ugh.
with summer here, i wish i was a lot more fit and was hoping.
i think you look great right now though!