Thursday, July 18, 2013

Who am I?

How in the world is it the middle of July already?  I swear, the older I get, the more quickly time passes by.  Sometimes, I wish it would just slow down so I can savor those moments that I want to remember forever, and imprint them in my mind better.

So, tomorrow will officially mark one month until I start my practicum, which will be the last semester in my Masters Program.  Bless my boss, because he is willing to let me work around that to get some hours in so that I can still earn some semblance of an income while I am doing this.

I have such mixed emotions about my program ending.  I have to say without a doubt that I love all the experience and time I have put in with these kids who have special needs.  Ranging from Down Syndrome to Autism, being with these kids have taught me so much.  And even if I may not use my degree to teach in the near future, I believe that my program has made me a better person, and I vow to at least continue to volunteer with Special Needs Organizations in order to try and make their lives just a little better.

However...professionally, I am struggling so much.  I continue to feel down on myself, and I'm not sure how to pull myself out of the professional funk I'm in.  I loved my job working for the Army.  I felt like what I did directly impacted the warfighter, and although I am against war, I am (obviously) pro service members.  But, I always thought I'd take my Poli Sci Degree to Washington and use it to change this world for the better.  I truly believe it is one's mission in life to leave this world a little better than they found it, and there are some issues I am truly passionate about.

When I married Joel, well...this may sound like a broken record now, but I felt like my career and my aspirations were put on hold.  I know "that's what I signed up for" and I knew that was a possibility, but I didn't think it would hurt my self esteem this much.

I make a decent wage and I still work for the government.  I enjoy the people I work with, and the work I do isn't bad.  But, I don't feel like what I am doing is making an impact.  I know I am capable of more.  My boss has been incredible and this job has been very low stress, which has been a blessing since I have been doing my Masters full time as well.  But, I feel like a part of me is missing.  And I don't know what to do about it.

I don't know how to fill that void right now.  I don't know if I can fill that void as long as I'm subject to the Air Force's whims of moving often and to who knows where.  I guess I just really needed to get all of this out.  Friends here don't understand, and I don't have any kind of mentor to look up to for advice.  And Joel, bless his heart, feels terrible that I feel this way, and he doesn't need that burden, either. 

I just wish there was a crystal ball that God would hand me to show me which way to go and where this path is leading me.  I have issues with not being in control of things, and I have to say that as a military wife, there is little I can control.  Where am I going to live next year?  What am I going to do?  Will I have friends or family nearby?  Who am I?  What defines me?  Who knows... 


Katiellirb said...

I'll answer your questions. You're going to live in Denver next year. Probably move next door to me (obviously). And you'll be working in a non-profit helping those children who need a little extra support. :)

Hang in there sweetie! I give you soo much credit for just thinking about things and questioning your purpose. Meanwhile, I just continue on in my desk job path...

It's funny - I had a similar discussion with Brad about wanting to do something different, but the reality is, until we leave the AF, it's not going to happen :(

Eights on the Move said...

Oh my gosh Kristen, this is EXACTLY what I'm addressing for 'Military Monday' as my first attempt at a link-up. I would LOVE for you to join. Its scheduled to post tomorrow, all about how being a military wife can be SUPER challenging to maintain a career, etc. I COMPLETELY understand what you're going through right now. We have to be incredibly flexible as the rigidity of the military tosses us around! It can be so hard. Keep your chin up, girl! And congrats on almost finishing your Masters!! I did mine at Fontbonne in Deaf Ed :)

Jen said...

I can 100% relate! The not knowing is always the hardest part for me.