Wednesday, April 24, 2013
What kind of friend are you?
So what kind of friend are you? What kind of friend am I? I always thought I was a great friend. I had friend's birthdays on calendars, always invited them out for dinners or a glass of wine when needed, and always lent an ear when someone just needed to get things out. In high school and college, I had the most random group of friends. And I loved it that way. The groups really didn't interact very often, but it always gave me something to do, someone to be with, and an excuse to go out and seize the day.
Somewhere along the way...technology changed. And I changed with it. I don't know if it's the countless hours I spent on the phone as a kid or the (sometimes) annoying people I've had to talk to at work over the years or what, but I loathe talking on the telephone. We don't have a home phone, and my cell phone is rarely around me if Joel's home. I thought it would be so great to have that instant connectivity with friends back home that I didn't have in Germany. But, I often find myself ignoring calls from friends and texting/e-maling/Facebooking them, instead.
I still love to hang out with my local friends You wanna go out? Let's make plans! But, I find myself always being the one to ask lately. I've heard that's just how people are around here, but the insecure Kristen feels like I am bothering people. So, I eventually stop asking. And then I'm stuck at home, because no one asks me back. It's a vicious cycle I feel stuck in, and it only make me more recluse. Which I hate.
And friends from afar? I feel like I am always the one having to compromise with the phone talkers. If I don't make the effort, or even if I do, I feel like that effort isn't really reciprocated in my way. Why does it always have to be me? Why am I always the only one calling?
I guess what made me think of this is a few things. Someone I would have called a "sister" two years ago and I rarely talk. It hurts my heart. A lot. I would do anything for her or her family, but last year when Joel was deployed, I got nothing. No calls, e-mails, letters...it really heart me. Every time I go back to Indy I try to make the effort to contact her, and I don't feel the same happens in return. There's at least two occasions that she's been my way, but not because she told me. There was no effort to meet up, even for just a cup of coffee to catch up.
Also, when I went to NYC recently, I have a few friends that lived there. I, of course, wanted to meet up, and basically said "if you're free, I'll be free." Plans were made, and both of my friends cancelled on me. "Next time" they said. I don't even know when there will be a next time, thanks to the military.
So I'm at the point where I don't want to make the effort anymore. And that's not who I am. I've always wanted to be out with friends, making them feel loved and celebrating their special moments. Being there when someone needed me is something I always prided myself on. But, I don't know how to change. I feel like I've been hurt or let down way too often lately, and I'd rather be at home pain free. And lonely. I hope this is just a phase, and one that passes quickly. Because i don't like this introverted, reclusive person that I've become. Inside the internet world. I'm still here, and still alive and well. But in the "real world," I just don't feel like me.
Sorry if my sentences are random and jumble, but that's the state of my thought at the moment.