Wednesday, July 11, 2012


So, I’ve gone through a lot of changes lately.  They’re not all tangible, and some are wanted more than others.  Some have caused indecision, some unhappiness, and some peace.  I’ll explain as much as I can.

This deployment has challenged me.  It’s not even over yet, but I feel like I have grown as a person so much more because of it.  In the time Joel has been gone, I have had two minor surgeries, refinished my kitchen countertops, needed a new roof put on because of a crazy hail storm, dealt with two different infestations of ants (gross!), gone from working fulltime to substitute teaching and interning back to working fulltime, completed 6 more classes towards my Master’s degree, had indecision about what to do with my life (in the middle of all the work/school change stuff), gained new friends with whose relationship I hope will continue to grow, have had to back away from other friendships that were poisonous, and dealt with a lot of loneliness and disappointment, but also have had my faith redeemed in humanity.  I know, a lot of contradiction, huh?

I have always tried to figure out where I “fit,” and am starting to be comfortable with the idea that maybe I don’t fit in a tiny little box that defines me.  It makes me sad sometimes, because if I don’t fit anywhere, then who am I?  But I am working through that.  I don’t feel like I “fit” as a military wife.  I hate moving, I have way too many control issues, and I have too many plans of my own that I know may possible never be.  But, I love Joel with all of my being, so I make it work.  I just feel like I work too hard to fit in a community that I feel uncomfortable around as a spouse.

I have always been career oriented, but have been struggling with what that looks like and if I can really accomplish the professional satisfaction that I crave.  I am meant to work.  I am meant to make a way for myself.  But, I struggle with making those gains and then losing them with a move or not having similar or challenging opportunities at the next base.

I struggle with the fact that I am 28 and have no desire to have biological children of my own.  Will this ever change?  Maybe.  But, in my current position I am constantly made to feel like there is something wrong with me or that I have misplaced values.  Would I love to adopt?  Absolutely, but Joel isn’t there yet.  Do I love kids?  Mostly, lol.  I have had a heart for every student in every classroom that I have been in, and hold my goddaughter in a precious place in my heart.  I just don’t have the urge to bear children of my own.  That is my decision, and I wish that others (some that I barely even know) would cease to have an opinion of that.
If you got this far, thanks for listening to my rambling.  It’s been so long since I have really REALLY blogged, and while I have the desire, I sometimes refrain for fear of what others might say.  But, this is my blog and my personal space, so I hope that you all don’t disown me for my crazy rambles that I throw out there every now and then.


Angie said...

It is your decision (and your husband's) about how you add children to your family should you ever choose to do that. If you want to adopt instead of carrying a child that is your prerogative. Honestly, I think it is great that you are thinking about adoption.

Katiellirb said...

Oh sweet Kristen, I feel like I could have written this post. Thank you for putting into words exactly how I feel! We just sold our house and are waiting on our next assignment and I HATE IT! HATE IT! I dont want to move; I want to have a career! I dont fit in with the military but I love my husband and I struggle with that daily.

In addition, I'm 31 and I do not want children right now. Honestly, not sure if I ever will. We have thought about adopting an older child in a few years b/c lord knows if we ever decide we do want them, if we can even physically have them. Again, on my mind constantly - always wondering what's wrong with me for not wanting them.

Anyway, all this rambling is really to say, you are not alone! I know exactly what you're going through. And thank you, for making me feel like I'm not alone either!