This deployment has challenged me. It’s not even over yet, but I feel like I have grown as a person so much more because of it. In the time Joel has been gone, I have had two minor surgeries, refinished my kitchen countertops, needed a new roof put on because of a crazy hail storm, dealt with two different infestations of ants (gross!), gone from working fulltime to substitute teaching and interning back to working fulltime, completed 6 more classes towards my Master’s degree, had indecision about what to do with my life (in the middle of all the work/school change stuff), gained new friends with whose relationship I hope will continue to grow, have had to back away from other friendships that were poisonous, and dealt with a lot of loneliness and disappointment, but also have had my faith redeemed in humanity. I know, a lot of contradiction, huh?
I have always tried to figure out where I “fit,” and am starting to be comfortable with the idea that maybe I don’t fit in a tiny little box that defines me. It makes me sad sometimes, because if I don’t fit anywhere, then who am I? But I am working through that. I don’t feel like I “fit” as a military wife. I hate moving, I have way too many control issues, and I have too many plans of my own that I know may possible never be. But, I love Joel with all of my being, so I make it work. I just feel like I work too hard to fit in a community that I feel uncomfortable around as a spouse.
I have always been career oriented, but have been struggling with what that looks like and if I can really accomplish the professional satisfaction that I crave. I am meant to work. I am meant to make a way for myself. But, I struggle with making those gains and then losing them with a move or not having similar or challenging opportunities at the next base.
I struggle with the fact that I am 28 and have no desire to have biological children of my own. Will this ever change? Maybe. But, in my current position I am constantly made to feel like there is something wrong with me or that I have misplaced values. Would I love to adopt? Absolutely, but Joel isn’t there yet. Do I love kids? Mostly, lol. I have had a heart for every student in every classroom that I have been in, and hold my goddaughter in a precious place in my heart. I just don’t have the urge to bear children of my own. That is my decision, and I wish that others (some that I barely even know) would cease to have an opinion of that.If you got this far, thanks for listening to my rambling. It’s been so long since I have really REALLY blogged, and while I have the desire, I sometimes refrain for fear of what others might say. But, this is my blog and my personal space, so I hope that you all don’t disown me for my crazy rambles that I throw out there every now and then.